


25 Things Inquisitor Jayani Lavellan is No Longer Permitted to Do

by heartsyhawk



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dragon Age Kink Meme, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 04:09:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5482763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsyhawk/pseuds/heartsyhawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josephine and her fellow Advisors have compiled a list of inappropriate behaviors they wish for Inquisitor Jayani Lavellan to cease. After she agrees to attempt to observe these new rules by signing it, Sera liberates the document and adds her own commentary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	25 Things Inquisitor Jayani Lavellan is No Longer Permitted to Do

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the kink meme prompt located at http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/13890.html?thread=56349250#t56349250.
> 
> The rating is for language; Sera has colorful and often crude things to say.
> 
> This started as an exercise to identify things my Inquisitor has done that probably distress her advisors (both in game and in head canon only) and actually ended up being more of an exercise in getting into Sera's head, which I actually quite enjoyed but probably need to work on a little more. I'd love any feedback you have to offer.
> 
> It doesn't really inform the fic but for background information in my playthrough this Inquisitor, a mage Lavellan flirted heavily with Sera, Dorian (even after his sexuality reveal), and Solas until she ended up in a relationship with Solas but remained close friends with both Sera and Dorian after the fact. I love both of them too much to leave either single so for the sake of the fic they are both with their canon love interests

_*A document signed by Her Worship, Inquisitor Jayani Lavellan, Herald of Andraste at the urging of Ambassador Josephine Montilyet who witnessed and dated the signing and was later "rescued" and edited by Sera, as noted by the bold print*_

I, Jayani Lavellan, being of ~~sound~~ **(*scrawled above in messy print* mostly all right I guess but totally ridiculously elfy** ) mind and **(*inserted above and accompanied by a lovingly rendered doodle of the Inquistor's backside* nice to look at** ) body do solemnly promise to attempt to adhere to the following **(*inserted above* extremely bloody stupid)** behavioral rules. **('Cause Josie ain't any fun and wants the entire friggin' lot of us to be all lame and shite like her)**

1\. Shoes are to be worn during all formal occasions, including while Judgements are being passed and perhaps especially when greeting visiting Orlesian dignitaries. ( **This is right rubbish, you know? Whats Orlesians ever done for Inky that she oughtta take care not to offend 'em? Shouldn't have to wear the feet torture Orlesians call shoes for their comfort. Maker this is such stupid thing to worry about! Literally hundreds of more urgent matters and first thing we're talking about is footwear!)**

2\. It is not good manners to refer to visiting diplomats as Shems. It is especially frowned upon to add the modifier "filthy" before it. **(Course its perfectly fine for them to call Inky and me and Solas and the like Knife-Ears or Rabbits or whatever bloody else they want without worrying how we feel, right?)**

3\. Horse Master Dennet requests that we no longer bring, his precise words were "creepy lizard monsters", for him to tend in the stables. He would like to remind us that he is a horsemaster and ill suited to look after other mounts. **(Damn right. Dracothingys give me the willies. Not right what they do with those snakey tongues and what do they need such beedy eyes for anyway? Sides Dennet's alright and the sort of little people scaring's not any fun worth having,yea? *stick figure doodle of Dennet kissing a horse on the nose while a sketchy looking lizard leers*)**

4\. While the Dalish presumably have different modesty standards, all nudity should be kept to inside of private quarters and kept away from hallways, balconies, and windows. **(Wait, Our Lady Quizzy's been walkin about starkers where people could SEE? Shite, what wouldn't I have done to have a room with THAT view?)**

5\. The leader of the Inquisition should not be seen leaping off balconies. The stairs are much more dignified. **(Stuff the stairs, stairs take TIME. Time better spent doing proper stuff that actually helps actual people, yea?)**

6\. The leader of the Inquisition should probably not be engaged in public drinking contests in the pub and if they prove for some reason unavoidable she should definitely remember that she weighs less than a third of what a full grown Qunari does and she will likely not ever be able to drink The Iron Bull under a table. **(Can't jump off shite, can't walk about her own castle with her arse out, can't even get piss drunk in a perfectly safe place with friends who make sure she gets safe to bed? She allowed to have any fun? It's really just like I said, yea? No fun Josie strikes again)**

7\. Elfroot smoking for recreational or relaxation purposes should not be partaken of immediately before or during official Inquisition missions. **(Unless you share with ME! Some best friend she's turning out to be...)**

8\. The Leader of the Inquisition is henceforth not allowed to rush enemies without alerting the rest of the party. ( **Yea, we don't all have the ability to conjure up frigging barriers on the fly and its super friggin' hard to protect you if we don't know you're about to do some stupid shite)**

9\. Staves are not to be used to hit, trip, or poke anybody that is not currently engaged in combat against the Inquisition or its agents. **(Then what are they even friggin' good for then?)**

10\. It is ~~unacceptable~~ **(*inserted above* totally hilarious)** to pretend to be entangled in a torrid affair with a Tevinter necromancing Altus with the express purpose of upsetting nobility. Especially since the Altus in question makes no secret of his own preferences not being inclined toward women. Extra especially because his liason with The Iron Bull is Skyhold's worst kept secret. **(Forget the stuffy nobbers! It's great! They get all twitchy that their elfy Herald or whatsit appears to be rolling around all shameless like with a Vint.)**

11\. The leader of the Inquisition is highly discouraged from attempting to climb vertical surfaces by "jumping and hoping for the best". 

12\. The leader of the Inquisition is also highly discouraged from jumping off cliffs or high areas to reach lower ground by "jumping and hoping for the best". Even with a barrier up. **(*doodle of a goat with a staff strapped to its back*)**

13\. It is never appropriate to scream "Taarsidath-an halsaam" as a battle cry, or in any other relatively public place, but especially in battle. **(Shove off Josie it's super important that we know what gets Inky all moist in her lady bits! *crude doodle of Inquisitor Lavellan with her hand down her pants*)**

14\. The Lady Morrigan requests that her son not be given sweets before dinner. **(Maker's hairy balls now the rules are going after a growing boy what ain't had half enough cakes and tarts and things in his life despite being brought up in the bloody Orlesian court? Well forget it, its my new personal mission to get that little boy ALL THE CAKES)**

15\. The Champion of Kirkwall referring to the Commander as 'Ser Noodle' does not make it okay for the leader of the Inquisition to do the same. **(It's like Satinalia came early. I'm calling him that forever.)**

16\. "RELEASE THE BEES!" is not an acceptable judgement. Do not throw a jar of bees at a prisoner you have been tasked to pass judgement over. Not even if you think they really deserve it. **(*doodle of bees swarming a terrified stick figure*I think bees belong in ALL judgements)**

17\. There is not an ancient elven tradition of not touching paper during a woman's moon time and this excuse will not be accepted to avoid paperwork for five to seven days a month. **(That's friggin' brilliant, fake Elfy or no. I'm going to use that from now on.)**

18\. It would be in everyone's best interests for the leader of the Inquisition to remember that she is, in fact, a mage and not a heavily armoured warrior and should at least try to remember that most of her combat spells will still work with a bit of distance between her and her target. Additionally she should endeavor to not let herself be surrounded by enemies who can easily overpower her everyfight **(Actually yea this one's a great one. Can't help nobody if you're all squished and dead, right?)**

19\. Please refrain from naming Inquisition mounts words that mean rude things in Elven. **(Wait, Inky's horses and harts and monster lizard things have dirty names? Looks like I might actually have a use for learning elfy talk after all...)**

20\. It is always a good idea to wash assorted blood and viscera from one's hair before greeting visitors of the nobility. **(Not half as fun as seeing Lord So-and-So or Lady Fussywhosit all horrified by it but pretending and being polite anyway though)**

21\. Training Leliana's birds to repeat cryptic messages in ear shot of the Inquisition's guests, while entertaining, is causing more problems than it is worth and should discontinue post haste.

22\. While not entirely discouraged, it is considered impolite to speak Elven in a room full of people who only speak Common or Orlesian without translating. **(Wouldn't wanna be RUDE to prissy Orlesian nobbers now, would we, Inky?)**

23\. There have been complaints about equiptment commissioned with rude or ridiculous names. **(Why would Cassandra even want a sword what wasn't named Stabbity Prickstick though? Dagna thought it was great.)**

24\. Saying "Fuck this; I'm Dalish" does not excuse one from observing holiday masses one promised one would attend, even when said masses last for several hours longer than one finds pleasant. **(I'd use that one if I could. No reason those masses need to go on so long. It's rude to get up to take a piss, and ruder to piss the floor. It's much better when the Chantry's actually working to do things for folks instead of talking at em for half a day)**

25\. Please do not encourage Ser Tethras to publish the pornographic exploits of members of the Inquisition. I have no doubt he'll do it anyway but he does not need you as a justification for his smutty literature. **(Screw boring prudy Josie. Skyhold Sexploits might well be his best book yet. Not even saying that 'cause it's friggin' hot. Or even because he said I'm gonna be in it. Bet Cassandra would like it any rate.)**


End file.
